Jokes and riddles 2

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.

"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.

"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.

"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Good Morning guys....

Ooo Heaven is a place on earth

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

SLOWLY … SLOWLY

Make me one with everything, says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

saw this one on reddit:

Henry Winkler was flying from New York to LA

Henry Winkler was flying from New York to LA when an airplane stewardess approached him. She asked "Would you like some headphones? "Henry smiled and replied, "Of course My Dear, by the way, it's pronounced Fonz."

Fable: DON'T ARGUE WITH DONKEYS

The donkey said to the tiger: - "The grass is blue".

The tiger replied: - "No, the grass is green."

The discussion heated up, and the two decided to submit him to arbitration, and for this they went before the lion, the King of the Jungle.

Already before reaching the forest clearing, where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey began to shout: - "His Highness, is it true that the grass is blue?".

The lion replied: - "True, the grass is blue."

The donkey hurried and continued: - "The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts and annoys me, please punish him."

The king then declared: - "The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence."
The donkey jumped cheerfully and went on his way, content and repeating: - "The Grass Is Blue"...

The tiger accepted his punishment, but before he asked the lion: - "Your Majesty, why have you punished me?, after all, the grass is green."

The lion replied: - "In fact, the grass is green."

The tiger asked: - "So why are you punishing me?".

The lion replied: - "That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green.
The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that come and bother me with that question."
The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on arguments that don't make sense...

There are people who, no matter how much evidence and evidence we present to them, are not in the capacity to understand, and others are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and all they want is to be right even if they are not.

When ignorance screams, intelligence is silent. Your peace and quiet are worth more. ❤️

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”

Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”

Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

Doctor: “To the morgue.”

Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”

Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

Did you hear about the Irishman who drove over the cliff?

He was testing his air brakes.

Cheeky bugger

Time is relative

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I don’t know. It all happened so fast.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!”

“No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!”

Smart turtle 🐢

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”

“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”

“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”