Jokes and riddles 2

“Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”

“There’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

“For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!”

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

“What does the word ‘contemplate’ mean?” the college student asked his English professor.
“Think about it,” the professor answered.
“Ugh!” the student groaned. “Can’t you just tell me?”

Another pun …

I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.

After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. “He fought with me again! I’m coming over to live with you.”

To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”

Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. I told them: “I understand. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive.”

I’ve never seen anyone run that fast!

A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, “Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!” The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.
Later, they order an other round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, “Yeah, the service stinks!”
Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.”



With this, I am taking a break from JoyClub.
Thank you all for enjoying my jokes.

A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. “And how are the American students, Donald?” she asked.

“They’re so noisy,” he complained. “One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night.”

“How do you put up with it?”

“I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.”

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

“Want to grab a drink?” he asks the centipede, but there’s no answer from the box.

A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, “Hey! Do you want to get a drink?”

“I heard you the first time!” says a small, irritated voice. “I’m putting on my shoes!”

My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan. Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot some birds. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. One turned to my father and said, “Do y’all put manure on your strawberries?” My dad smiled, then responded, “I don’t know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries.”

Two Americans board a Lufthansa flight in Berlin bound for London. They plonk themselves down in the first class seats.
The flight attendant asks to see their boarding cards which are only for the economy class. She politely asks them to move to their proper seats.

" Hey Lady" , says one in a loud voice ( Americans are always loud) " take a break will yer - there are plenty of spare places here".

She tries again but they just reuse to budge. Just then the Captain appears and asks her what the trouble is?
"Two Americans with economy tickets sitting in first class", she tells him.

"Leave it to me", says the Captain and goes over to the Americans, whispering something to them.

Immediately they jump up, gathering their belongings
" Jesus shit, Hank - let's get out of here". They go aft and sit in the economy section of the plane.

" How did you get them to move?" asks the flight attendant.

" Easy, " replies the Captain " I told them the first class isn't flying to London today.

Hey, hey, lay off the Ami jokes! 😂😂Don’t we get enough of those living in Germany as it is? And they are always about how stupid we are. If anything we could have a few about us being fat, or not knowing geography, just to include a variety of stereotypes 😂

It is always useful to have a victim. I cannot think of any joke at the moment where there is not a victim and some person or thing who gets the brunt.
I quite like having the piss taken out of me - even though I do have nice legs....

Three old friends, one from USA, one from Russia and a German are enjoying a beer in a Kneipe in Berlin when a strange looking figure walks in.
"hey" says the Ami " in those sandals and wearing that robe you could be Jesus christ"
" that is exactly who I am", says the figure.
"In that case you can cure my backache -I've got terrible sciatica"
The man puts his hand on the american's head and immediately the pain has gone.
"Fantastic", says the Ami.
So the Russian asks if the man can cure his Migraine? He puts his hand on the russian's head and immediately the migraine is cured.
"Fantastic", says Putin.......( sorry) ...says the russian.
The figure then looks at the German sipping at his beer.

"Don't you dare touch me", says the German " I am on sick leave"

What is the difference between pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew the light bulb...

It was probably either that or blondes... take your pick!

Ouch, this one sounds like you could replace the German with a Frenchman... Although the Frenchman would just go on strike to complete his "sick leave"

Please trim your bush so I can better service your BOX


....This was a message from a Mailman

Can I...

Happy days!

🙈😱