Jokes and riddles 2

It needn't be hard at all! But yes, it should slide into the students' brains nice and smoothly.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug

What do you call a girl with a laptop on her head? Adele

I’m sorry - we haven’t read thread 1, so if this is a duplicate, our apologies - this is one of our favourite jokes

Taking Viagra won’t make you into James Bond - but it might make you Roger Moore

Then there's the one with the Paddy and the Essex girl sat at a Bar ...
"Why's your Wellies got L & R written on then asks the Essex girl ??
"Same reason your knickers have got C & A written on them replies the Paddy !
Enjoy the long weekend Folks !

It is like it is ..

Let’s talk about sex, baby, let‘s‘s talk about you and me …

Oh shoot … wrong words …

Let’s talk about why you get „sacked“ (not sex) …

I know this joke is as old as I am but here goes ...
Guy goes into a Pharmacy, asks for a packet of condoms and is presented with 3 options ...

The Italian pack containing 6 ...
(Monday through Saturday, chruch on Sunday)

the French pack containing 8 ...
(Monday through Saturday and both Mistress AND Wife on Sunday )

the British pack containing 12 ...
(Jan,Feb,March ...)

A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.
The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."

"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."

Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."

"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."

"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."

"Why, honey?"

"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

How i learned to mind my own business :

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13.....13.....13"

The fence was too high to see over, but i saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14....14....14"

Sometimes I was wondering why …

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s
lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your bat and your glove. Let’s go outside and play some baseball.”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “$1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again”

Ugh, the priest … „Holy sh.t!“

Two guys narrowly escaped from a sinking ship on a life raft and discovered a magic lamp tucked away in a dark cranny.

Figuring what the hell, one of the men gave the lamp a rub and "poof," a cloud of smoke.
A second later, a genie appeared and said, "I will grant each of you one wish."
After thinking a while, the first man turned to the genie and said, "I wish I were floating on an ocean of beer."

The genie granted the man's wish and disappeared.
The man's companion turned to him and said, "Way to go idiot. Now we have to pee in the boat."

A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course.
He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window."

His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.
He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's gonna be."
So he and his wife go up to the house and see the door open.
They went inside and saw the golf ball lying next to a broken glass bottle.

A man walks up and says, "Thank you!"
The husband said, "I'm sorry about the..."

And the man interrupts, "Oh don't worry about the window. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I'm a genie. So you get one wish and your wife gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one."

The husband asks for $100 million.
The genie says, "Done."

The wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars.
Genie says, "Done."

"Now, my wish is to have sex with your wife because, you know, I've been trapped in that bottle for so long."

They agreed since their extravagant wishes had been granted.
And so the genie has sex with the man's wife, not just once but many times.
When they're done, the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"
She answers, "33."

And, the man said, "And he still believes in genies?"

A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her and could fulfil her sex life.

Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfil my wishes?"

He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."

Then she says, "And the sex life?"

He looks at her and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Another genie in a bottle joke......

A woman, recently cheated on by her boyfreind is walking along the sandy beach in France ( avoiding the immigrants on the way to England ) feeling vry depressed and lonely. She sees a glass bottle washed up by the tide, picks it up and tries to clean it off with her sleeve.

Whoooosh, out pops a genie.

" I've been in here for a 1000 years and for freeing me I can grant you a wish, anything you want"

The woman thinks for a minute and says rather flippently.

"Ok, clever shit, build me a bridge from here to Brighton"

"Are you mad?" says the genie "Have you any idea how much concrete and steel and effort this will take? Haven't you got a more reasonable wish?

The woman ponders again and thinks of her situation.

" Can you get me to understand what men think? How they will behave? What drives them to do the things they do? I want to understand them.

The Genie rolls his eyes

"Do you want the bridge to be built with 2 or 3 lanes?

Heard this one from a date recently and nearly choked on my laughter:

A man drinks coffee and calls the waiter. "Can I ask you something? I noticed that you and your colleagues all have a teaspoon in your shirt pocket, what's that for?"

"Ah, McKinsey was here, examined our processes and noticed that our guests often drop the teaspoon. If we have a spare with us, we don't have to go to the kitchen to pick a clean one and if each of us saves 5 x 3 minutes a day, we save at least 50,000 euros per year."

"Ok, thanks, very interesting".

A little later the man calls the waiter again. "May you ask your something else? I see that you and your colleagues have a thread hanging out of your fly, what is that for?"

"Ah, yes that time that McKinsey was here, examined our processes and found out that if we go to the bathroom and wash our hands afterwards, we lose 5 x 6 minutes a day. If we use the pull-out thread instead, do not touch us and don't have to wash our hands, we save 100,000 euros per year."

"I see, very interesting. But... I have one more question: How do you put your penis back in your pants?"

"Good question, sir. Unfortunately, McKinsey had no instructions for this in the process description. I don't know how my colleagues do it, I personally use the teaspoon for this."

Who's the most popular guy at the JC?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

A father is waiting for his 16 year old son to come home and finally he shows up at 3 am. The father is fuming: "You know how late it is? You should have been home 4 hours ago! You know how concerned your mom and myself were?"
The son responds quietly: "Sorry dad, I didn't want to scare you. But it is a very special night, as I just had sex the first time. "
The father: "Oh my god, I didn't know! I am so happy for you! Want to grab a beer, sit down and talk about it? "
Son: "Beer sounds fine, but I can't sit down, my ass still hurts."

Burger King joke